Easier Said Than Done

There are days when I feel like sunshine and roses and rainbows and Eskimo kisses and all sorts of pretty, fluttery, fruity-loopy shit.  Just yesterday I drafted a post talking about how happy I am to be at a place in my life where although I’ve been hurt, and my hearts been beaten, I embrace my bruises and scars and STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE. Afterall, “When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

But today ain’t one of those days.

I’m borderline rivaling Kurt Cobain’s self-loathe factor and am as bitter as a Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale. I am a living, breathing, walking hypocrisy of all the ideals I try to convey. And that pisses me off so much I think I’m turning green. I feel useless, and a little unworthy. Like every effort I’ve made went unnoticed, or just wasn’t good enough. I feel inconsolable and stubborn. I don’t want to hear no goddamn “It’s gonna be ok” or, “Time heals all” kinda bullshit. I know it’s true, but I refuse to swallow it.

Bright girl. Pretty girl. Smart girl. Funny girl. But something must be wrong with her if she ain’t got no man?! So now I’m angry. With myself. For having this schizophrenic conversation. For this heart vs. mind civil war. For even thinking of thinking that I’m not good enough or anything less than extraordinary. For dwelling on failed relationships and disecting the exact second it went wrong and what I could’ve done to have avoided it’s destruction when none of that shit is important nor relevant. For caring about the past. I sound pathetic, and I really need to move the fuck on.

Getting over someone by getting under someone else doesn’t work for me. Even before I found out it wouldn’t, I knew I couldn’t. It just ain’t my style. I tried before and it backfired. And you know what? Getting over someone by simply getting next to someone else, isn’t any easier. Sure, it eases the pain but it never erases it. Whatever works though right? I used to have this theory that being single was only awesome if you were dating three guys at the same time. That way, you’d be so busy with your juggling act that you could never completely open up to just one person. If you ever caught even the slightest of feelings for one, at least one of the other two would distract you from it. We all do what we gotta do to move on.

A night out won’t necessarily help you get over someone, but focusing on the fact that life does exist after love and you can have fun without “him,” or “her,” will help you move on. And the key to moving on is to keep it moving. Physically, and most importantly, mentally. Difficult? Fucking duh. Impossible? Of course not.

Like Confucius said, “It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.”